Christmas Woes

I have to say this year is the WORST EVER Christmas I've ever had.
No celebrations. Not even a dinner. Not even a nice meal. Nothing.

Too bad the man of the hour goes to someone I'm related.
This year has been my worse year. "Nothingness" can be used to describe my year.

Have a Merry X'mas to the fortunate ones.

It feels like eternity talking to you.

To you know who I'm talking about.

This is the last thing I would ever tell you.
Even though you couldn't bring your eyes to read this.
What stems out is this racism thing that everyone has, secretly or unabashedly.
Have you thought about thinking in other people's shoes?
Have you thought about the what ifs?
Have you thought about every single word that you said is like a double-edged sword, cutting to and fro into our hearts?
Our hearts that when you first lost your way, we gave them to you?
You wouldn't feel a thing when I say this to you, don't you?

It feels like eternity talking to you.
With your ramblings and certain brain mush that I did not judge you for.
We welcomed your return. You said you would come back every year, willingly.
But it happened.
I can't help to say I'm not that racist, but it was someone who made you turn your back to us.
Someone I had never seen, someone you only knew for a year. Someone you knew you didn't have a chance, and yet you fell for the deja vu again.

Nobody could pull you up again. Nobody. But us.
We tried so hard. I, tried to talk some sense and yet listen to your stories.
But now, you have become such obsessed with anti-racism in us, that you clearly wanted to not associate yourself with us.
The impact that you would do, the great lengths that you would go for someone who would reciprocate your love. For something that you already knew.

We always welcome you back.
But this time it is your choice.
If you do something not right, you would not understand how deep this will hurt someone you clearly love since you were born.

I have already told you.
NOBODY IS PERFECT.
NOBODY DARES TO SAY THEY ARE NOT RACIST.
But for you to come out holier-than-thou, this calls for harsh actions.
I'm sorry to say but I've never been so disappointed in you IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

You, who once looked up to me.
You, who I never looked down upon for you imperfections.
You, who once said that family is the most important thing in my life.
If you dare to say you wanted nothing to do with us, please do not take care of my mother. Please don't. If you do not share her views, never mind, but do not insult her.
Please do not be someone who calls her a ***** and say I will take care of her.
Please don't.

SHE WON'T LET YOU EITHER.

I hope you are happy about what you have said and done. And for what it's worth, I hope you are satisfied with it.

I dated Summer Finn today. And got dumped.

Mindfucked.
By Summer Finn.
Yes I tell you.
I dated her for 1 and 40 mins today. And got dumped.
But I'm no Tom Hansen. I'm just someone who knows how it's like to be Tom Hansen.




THIS IS A STORY ABOUT LOVE. NOT A LOVE STORY.

I love this movie. It's so simple, and yet you get blown in the face by this blue-eyed, Katy Perry lookalike of Zooey Deschanel. She was just so easy, and yet her eyes draws you in just like that. Even the camera loves her, focusing on her eyes. Just her eyes. And she goes into a rant "I'm not looking into a relationship right now." What do you do exactly, Tom? Do you keep it casual? Hold hands in Ikea? Shower sex? Sleepovers? What does it mean?

"So what do you think...this thing we are doing now?"

It was good. So good. The continuity and plot was so simple. And yet the editing was superb, leaving you the days that he was with Summer, breaking up with her (he was dumped), all so clear, complete with colors (red or blue for good happy days, grey or black for days that he was not that OK with Summer). And some people said it was hard to understand?! WTF?! Are you all robots?!

It's always that look..you know you were the one for each other. And it all falls apart.

This chronicles the first day he met her. And it drags on...till it was times up. Till he saw something happened in front of his eyes, that he knew it was over. I could relate to it, seeing that people around me were mulling around, moping, hoping that the other person could get back with them. Tom said "I don't wanna get over her, I wanna get her back." Suit yourself, Tom.

The beautiful LA skyline. And 2 beautiful people.

The whole movie was in Los Angeles. And I didn't know they had really nice buildings there. All I thought it could be only contemporary buildings there. Oh boy, it was really nice. I hope I could see them soon.

I don't normally do reviews, but I did watch this ALONE. And when you watch movies alone, the emotion is magnified to a million times. And all I tried was not to bawl my eyes out. I left with a teary eye and a lump in my throat. LOVED IT.

500 Days of Summer. 500 days of loneliness.

Am I worth it? Are you worth it?

Sometimes people do really take you for granted. I guarantee you that.
All the good things, all the nice things, they really do think you're just a regular person trying to help you out.
Once it all dies down, once the tables turn, you know you won't get a good favor from them. You know you won't. But you still do it. You still fall headlong in to this ugly, ugly trap. You think you're worth doing this for them. You're worth something to them.

IT'S STUPID.

It's always something dark, down there, your heart.
It's always an uphill battle, trying to fight it. You know you can win. but you just don't want to.
You are that naive.

You have been warned, by people who are crystal clear on this. Level headed people.
You get stuck in the middle. You turn, nobody saves you. You tell that person, all you get is a hug, a pat. Nothing more.

In the end, it consumes you.
It eats you alive.
What is left of you? Nothing.
Not love. Nothing.

So are you still worth it?
Am I still worthy of you?

Mooncake = Reunion?

Today is a wholesome day.
It's the Mooncake Festival.
And yet, I'm not wholesome enough.
Petty issues propping up from left, right and center.
I don't meet up with people I do care, because there will be people whom I would not seem to care, chaperoning that person.

Well, anyway, I do hope time will make us, or them see things aren't that flowery in their garden, as like mine.
Happiness isn't putting up a good show-off celebration for people to see.
Happiness isn't trying to segregate a group of people.
Happiness isn't dictatorship-ing your house parking.

Happy mooncake festival everyone.

Nice to see you again

It's a weird and awkward sentence.
It's a getaway greeting.

I had that encounter just now tonight.
I would not even bother to say that to the person.
What made me say that sentence?
It would have been out of courtesy.

I might just upgraded my courtesy level today.
Woohoo.
When is my EQ upgrading?

Sometimes we fail miserably

Sometimes, we thought we had made our point.
Mostly, we made a mess out of ourselves.

Sometimes, we knew we did the right thing.
Mostly, we made the wrong choice.

Sometimes, we had the greatest confidence when we make decisions.
Mostly, it'll be ugly.

What I did was I made myself an honest person.
But I was shot down like an American plane during World War II.
Is it too late to make amends?
Should I make those amends?

Gag

I guess Rihanna really called for 'No Air' coz she was punched out by Chris Brown. Hahaha.

Depression

I have been trying to keep my composure on this matter for quite a long time.
I do have a mild depression problem.
But what others know is that I look like a total BITCH, feeling that everything is not up to my liking.
What do don't know know is I get irritated at every single thing which I cannot control, which I thought I could control at the first place.

It's okay coz I feel happy when I'm OK, but it's just small mood swings that makes me only tear up, cry. It's not I'll do violent stuff like smash things up, or sabotage people who I don't like.
It's okay coz I DON'T NEED MEDS LIKE PEOPLE WITH SEVERE DEPRESSION.

I don't like coming out and telling this. But it's already taking its toll on my mental health. And it doesn't help when I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic. I'll see tons and tons of lovey dovey stuff, coz that makes me really happy. But at the same time it makes me sad. Makes me wonder why I can't do it. Does that mean I'm gender confused? Does that mean I can't get it?

Maybe I've been hurt by people I loved and liked for all this time. People who I think I really could trust and feel happy by their kindness to me. But they really take me for granted and they thought I could be okay with changing things around without consulting me about it.
I know I can stick to my own planning, but if you move things around without letting me know, it's like ruining something I had done so long. Makes me feel incompetent. Yeah you will think "cheh this small thing also want to feel sad. Get a life lah." But how does it feel when you're the one who is getting all this flak?

I've gad a thinking of whether I should leave all this and go somewhere new? My family is really supportive of me going overseas to work. But there are people who thinks I can't leave this all behind. What am I going to do when the people like friends and acquaintances are not appreciating what I do, and only care how they live their life? People who just ask: "hey how are you? I heard you are sick? Get well. take care. goodbye"There was no REAL concern at all.

I need to work out my depression and hoep I really can do something so that I get my positive side back. I need someone who can really care for me, guy or girl. I can really say, love doesn't really borders gender right now. If I can find someone who genuinely cares about me, then I think I'm whatever I can be. Go Portia and Ellen! Go Ashton and Demi! Go Penn and Blake! Go Adam and his boyfriend!

Just so you know, I have job interviews and also I'm contemplating on doing some working holiday or work and travel in the States, which I wanted to go there since I was small. But let's keep my hopes low and not wish too much. OR ASSUME too much.

Had a small birthday which I hoped had been a bit louder and merrier. But I'm now a recluse. Go Derrin. Way to go.

Pictures

I'd like to run away.

Similar.

Simple happiness.

What makes me smile all along.

Shorts

It's been awhile since I came here.
I've been trying to pick up pieces, pieces of broken glasses.
And I've been better.

Right now, I'm facing difficulties.
Difficulties in facing my problems,
difficulties in facing my 'friends',
difficulties in facing myself.

I have two options to go on.
And yet, I am still walking around in circles.
I hate the economy,
I hate the politics,
I hate the social life,
I hate pretentious people who stalk people's updates and then gossip.
I hate gossip.
Mostly, I hate myself more.

I am going through a very rough patch now.
It feels better to write at night, where everything is still.

I don't know what to do. Yet.
To some people, they are still unfazed, oblivious about things going around them.
I hate them.

But yet, I cannot do anything about it.
I am THAT HELPLESS.

It's Over

I guess its true.
So it's over.
I had to pretend there is nothing wrong with me.
Deep down, I feel it so hard, crashing down on me.

The journey's over,
the time is up.
So long,
farewell.

25 Randomness

Actually I did one in my Facebook notes...but I do love writing random stuff, 'cause I don't think people know me enough, until they don't get what I mean, and thus become my enemy or someone they think is redundant. So here's my 2nd version of 25 Things. I won't tag anyone, but feel free to comment.

1) I do like dogs and cats, but I can't bear to scoop their poo and bathe them often.

2) Kids and babies that scream and talk a lot irritates me.

3) Come to that, I've been kicked in the shins and slapped at by kids.

4) People don't really know my taste in music, they just know I like music. Well guys, I like jazz, big band, RnB and really good guitary and piano pieces.

5) I've never been to any white-man-country (eg US or Australia).

6) A lot of people don't know I write stuff.

7) A lot of people just know that I'm quiet and resentful. Haha.

8) I feel very old 'cause I think most of the jobs that I apply to need people that are in their early 20s (not me, I'm 24).

9) I've turned down more jobs than I applied for.

10) I am more superior in sports and racing games when I play those video games.

11) I have an uncle who is the same age as my brother.

12) My dog Jesse has more nicknames than the 13 states of Malaysia.

13) I used to have too many Chinese new Year clothes until I could wear them until after 17 days of Chinese New Year.

14) I despise people who could talk bad about people, yet when people talk bad about them, they flip. (really lame bitch)

15) I love watches and I am planning to get another one after my Fossil watch.

16) I have a crush on Ethan Ruan and Zac Efron.

17) My past idols have include: Anita Mui(!!), Vivian Chow, Sammi Cheng, Gigi Leung, Vicki Zhao, Spice Girls, B*witched, Westlife, and others that I cannot remember.

18) I am coughing so badly while typing this post.

19) I wished I could celebrate my birthday with my friends from high school or whoever I can feel comfortable with. But I guess this year is bad, since I have no more friends.

20) My most liberated moment is when I was in college. I had the best 2 years in my life, regardless of tears and broken friendships.

21) The age that I waited eagerly for, and I had the best birthday ever.

22) I had won more awards in primary school than secondary school, college and university put together!

23) My fave number right now. ;)

24) I hate people who doesn't know what's going on in the world and can only manage a " I'm too busy to care about these things" sentence to me. Stuck up.

25) I would rather change my stereo system in my car, rather than adding some aerokit or spoilers.


That's all. I could write more, but 25 things is enough.
If you wanna tag yourself, go ahead, but remember to link it back to me! Thanks.

别为无谓的人流泪了

是的。
我很想突然写中文来发泄我的心情。
够了。
真的够了。

我不能再为无谓的人流泪了。
我不再觉得可惜了。
没关系，我自己来。
反正人一出世就是孤独的，
走的时候也是孤独的。

也许，
朋友多、知己多，
并不是好事。
也许有些是混水摸鱼的人。

昨晚听到一句话。
你恨的人、你讨厌的人，
其实活在这个世界上就是让你知道，憎恨和讨厌的意义。
也许会有更可恨、更讨厌的人在你未来的里程碑呢！

有时候会觉得好可惜，
可是流泪，难过并没有用。
别人只是当你是个过客。
何必荒废光阴青春？

够了。
也许是个过程，让我了解这一切。
够了。
也许大家还在做表面功夫，私底下争个你死我活呢。

至少，
我不会再为你们流泪，
我不会再为你们生气。
就算见面，
也只是个过客。

够了。

The End Is Nearing

Words cannot come out of my mouth.
The end is nearing.
Thank you for telling me earlier.
I should've known.

Thanks for the journey.
Wait till its the end.

Laughter

I went to watch a movie with my family on CNY.

It was a ritual for us to watch something light, funny on CNY.

So it was natural for me to pick All's Well Ends Well 2009.

With Sandra Ng, Raymond Wong, Ronald Cheng and Louis Koo in it, you can't go wrong.

AND LAUGHED I DID.

I hadn't laughed in cinemas for quite a long time, even if i was watching something funny.

But if it was really sad, I would cry and cry.

That day, I laughed. From start to finish.

I felt a sense of happiness, or freedom suppose? Free from negative thoughts?

Anyway, Gong Xi Fatt Chai to anyone reading. If anyone still cares. But what the heck, I like being alone for a while.

Just Go and watch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCGagwApwV0

Welcome, Mr Barack Obama, The 44th President of U.S.A

I was quite emotional when he walked in.

He brought the hope that the Americans needed.

He fueled changes that were to be fulfilled.

He could be THAT ONE.

The one who could right the wrongs.

The one who we, the Malaysians could emulate.

The one who I, could hope he can Change.

Yes, we need to change.

Yes, I need to change.

Yes We Can,

Yes I Can.

Welcome Mr Barack Hussein Obama,

THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF USA.

May God Bless You and America.

And may whatever gods that watch over us, protect us in the coming years.

One more thing.

Who says politics is boring?

For those I know think that the inauguration of Barack Obama means nothing to them,

think again.

He will be the one to change the world, be it economy, political, environmental, international, whatever you can think of.

If you think you can go n without having a care, think again.

Without him, you would be nothing.

Think again.

Growing Up

I used to think that growing up only happens when you're hitting puberty. But I grow up again and again. Until now, I still grow up.

I had to grow up. And move on.
Come to think of it, am I still a child?
Or people are still teething, yet I grew up too fast?

I have to move on.
I have to grow up.
Or maybe they should grow up.

So long, the stupid side of me.
So long, the idiot side of me.
So long, the ever so naive side of me.
So long, the old me.

So long to you too.

To You

Feeling abit down. Need to write more of my thoughts right now.
I've seen so many people commenting on what I write in my blog.
But as you can see, there's no one leaving comments.
Ahh...you do know there is one thing called 'word of mouth'?

I simply have to say this.
Thanks for reading my blog.
I do know that blogs are for people to read.
You can leave your comment here too.
But please do not go and :"hey, have you read her blog?"
"She said something about you...blah blah blah."
Oh, so now I'm a gossip girl?
So now I do stir shites?

I wanted to rant out.
but all I got were hearsayers spinning the web of lies.
And don't think I don't know who you are.
You can invite people to read.
If you think you don't like what I write, tell me TO MY FACE.
Not discuss with your sleazy friends, who happen to be my friends too.

If you read it and don't feel like commenting, then don't.
And by not commenting, you do not tell to others.
Keep it to yourself.
I know who reads it.
I know who 'invited' others to read my blog.

So I just had to rant this out.
Well, if you don't like it, then TELL IT TO ME.






Maybe I need to change crowds. Just maybe.
I need a life too.

Conflict and Ganging up

You know, I seem to have lots of these b*shites going on.
It might just be me. Yeah.
I have a solemn face. Yeah I do.
I don't talk when I'm mad. Yes I do.

But you know what, why does it have to be me who is going on about this?
Does it mean I have bad interpersonal skills?
Does it mean I have my own principle that is shit?
Does it mean I will have to grovel at their feet and beg for forgiveness?

I do know that there is someone who deserves what I do.
Do you want me to name names?
Do you?

I've thought about leaving all this behind, find new friends.
Am so disappointed with friends, friends who I thought could stick with me through thick and thin.
Friends who could differentiate from good people.
Friends who knew that the person was BAD news and chose not to befriend him or her.

BUT NO.
All I had were friends who HAD to befriend that person because for the greater good of the GANG.
HAD to befriend that person so that everything will be rosy.
HAD to befriend that person even though they know that the person is using them and getting them to pick sides.

What is wrong with not picking sides?
What is wrong with sticking to the same friend for all these time?
I knew you since I came to KL.
You were a good friend, helped me. And I stuck with you even though people say bad things about you.
But what now? Continue to be friends with that person?
My brother was right. I'm not your mom, neither your partner. I could only watch and keep quiet. You know how it is when I say something. That person would stand out and spread things about me. It's not I've never been wounded.

And you, who claims to be someone that superior.
Do you know what? You can't be all godlike.
Yes you have a sound mind. But do you think whatever you say is appropriate?
I thought we were friends. So I thought I could accept and apology from you and move on.
BUT NO. YOU COULDN'T CLIMB DOWN FROM THAT PEDESTAL AND SAY SORRY TO ME.
I was so disappointed. Seems like a message from me to you fell on deaf ears. And you had the nerve to let people see that message, yet didn't know what I was talking about.
Seems to me that you never stray too far from our arch-nemesis, do you?

Do you want me to name names?
Do you?

S.H.E

Crappy photos I know. Sorry.
I couldn't get my lens in time, so I was praying hard that it would suffice for me. WRONG.
Anyway, here are some pics when I went to see my lovelies.

Oh, I brought the camwhore queen with me. And now she's in the Fan's Club with me! Haha!

This is horrendous. Notice the people behind? That's what you get with S.H.E. Can't bear to remind myself with the Times Square incident. Packed like sardine. Smelt like everyone cause I was drenched with EVERYONE'S sweat. And they cancelled the autograph signing session! CRAP!

Am waiting for the 3 ladies... (no am not talking to you-know-who. just obligatory photo for the fan's club).

AHHHH...I hear sounds....and the emcee said: "I think S.H.E is here"...



OH NO. *pushing from behind ensues*



See!! See! My Hebe!! Managed to capture them when they arrived. HEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBE!!!

This is really horrendous. You couldn't see me. I was pushed soooo hard against the barrier that now my arms hurt.

The nearest I could shoot. And this was taken by one of the members who could sit at the VIP zone! Need to get zoom lens....zooom...

Pose 1 for S.H.E robots.

Pose 2. Notice Hebe's pose didn't change? She was laughing damn hard.

And pose 3. Ella was really happy that day, despite all three of them were having a bad flu.

The other fan's club were celebrating their 6th birthday. Put our club to shame really. Haiz...

We were the first club here. Dunno what to do when they had all the committee come up. Wish I was on stage...Hebe...mmmm....

Funny thing. We were wondering whether Yan Wan Qian, the Astro Talent Quest 2008 champion was to come, since she was a big fan of S.H.E and my Hebe (MINE! MINE!). She didn't...until around 10pm, my friend saw her rushing over towards the stage, let them sign their album, passed her album to them, and went off. WoW. Must be one happy lass. Wish I was famous too.

Was really happy to see them. Once a year was enough for me. And they were in a jovial mood, saying nonsense on stage, cracked us up real good.

LOVE YA GUYS!

New Year Resolutions (Late Ones!)

Havent been doing my New Year resolutions, because I tend to not follow anything at all.
But since I have a blog, and I hope to turn things around (stupid people and events happen to me all the time!), so I'm giving this a shot.

What I Hope To Do This Year:

1) Get a job.

2) Get someone to spend more time with me. (ie someone for a relationship? I'm 24 already.)

3) Get more money.

4) Get more new friends.

5) Get a new attitude.

6) Get at least an Apple product.

7) Get new lens for my Nikon D60.


What I Hope Not To Do:

1) Lose more friends.

2) Be pessismistic.

3) Be alone for special occasions.

4) Be jobless.

5) Be stuck in a 'gang conflict'.

6) Be the target of cynical and sarcastic comments. (yes bitches you know who you are)





That's all folks. Hope I can stick to it.

Heartbroken

Am being betrayed.
No words can express now.
Please leave me alone.

It's 2009!

My My...I've been so busy until I forgot to blog about the year 2008.

2008 was a year that many things happened. I got a job, lost it, had new friends, recovered some old schoolmates (thru Facebook!), lost more of the friends I had.

My family. There were good and bad. My brother came home for the holidays, yet he wasn't proud. He didn't score well to get into Uni. My sis, finished her SPM, yet is in National Service when I'm posting this article. My dad, had the best year apparently. Won the Agong's cup recently, but not leading the Perak team. The Melaka team had not won the Cup in 41 years. So that was a milestone. My mom. Hmmm. She had a bad year, health was not on her side. Had been in the hospital, to clinics, and more. Hope she has a good year ahead.

Year 2009.

I celebrated in the back of my CRV, where we were rushing back to Ipoh from Malacca just for my sis, who had to report to the Kuala Kangsar came on 1st Jan 2009. Although we were together as a family, it was somehow sad. It was the last day actually, with my brother going back to Adelaide on February 16th, and my sister coming back on March 11th. So it's just me and my parents. And I haven't gotten a job too.

There's one thing bugging me. I had a friend who SMS-ed me, saying she went clubbing on the 31st. I mean, fine, just enjoy. But what she did was, she SMOKED. And DRANKED.
That was the last straw. How many times could I advise her? Tears were in my eyes when she sent me this. I couldn't bear to think any more. It's just sad. I appreciate your honesty, but as my friend, I cannot bear this to happen. If you do respect me, then please, do not just present your honesty to me. Do what you think is right.



Hope 2009 is a good year. And don't make my heart broken again.