Depression

I have been trying to keep my composure on this matter for quite a long time.
I do have a mild depression problem.
But what others know is that I look like a total BITCH, feeling that everything is not up to my liking.
What do don't know know is I get irritated at every single thing which I cannot control, which I thought I could control at the first place.

It's okay coz I feel happy when I'm OK, but it's just small mood swings that makes me only tear up, cry. It's not I'll do violent stuff like smash things up, or sabotage people who I don't like.
It's okay coz I DON'T NEED MEDS LIKE PEOPLE WITH SEVERE DEPRESSION.

I don't like coming out and telling this. But it's already taking its toll on my mental health. And it doesn't help when I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic. I'll see tons and tons of lovey dovey stuff, coz that makes me really happy. But at the same time it makes me sad. Makes me wonder why I can't do it. Does that mean I'm gender confused? Does that mean I can't get it?

Maybe I've been hurt by people I loved and liked for all this time. People who I think I really could trust and feel happy by their kindness to me. But they really take me for granted and they thought I could be okay with changing things around without consulting me about it.
I know I can stick to my own planning, but if you move things around without letting me know, it's like ruining something I had done so long. Makes me feel incompetent. Yeah you will think "cheh this small thing also want to feel sad. Get a life lah." But how does it feel when you're the one who is getting all this flak?

I've gad a thinking of whether I should leave all this and go somewhere new? My family is really supportive of me going overseas to work. But there are people who thinks I can't leave this all behind. What am I going to do when the people like friends and acquaintances are not appreciating what I do, and only care how they live their life? People who just ask: "hey how are you? I heard you are sick? Get well. take care. goodbye"There was no REAL concern at all.

I need to work out my depression and hoep I really can do something so that I get my positive side back. I need someone who can really care for me, guy or girl. I can really say, love doesn't really borders gender right now. If I can find someone who genuinely cares about me, then I think I'm whatever I can be. Go Portia and Ellen! Go Ashton and Demi! Go Penn and Blake! Go Adam and his boyfriend!

Just so you know, I have job interviews and also I'm contemplating on doing some working holiday or work and travel in the States, which I wanted to go there since I was small. But let's keep my hopes low and not wish too much. OR ASSUME too much.

Had a small birthday which I hoped had been a bit louder and merrier. But I'm now a recluse. Go Derrin. Way to go.