The Perfect Description

My fave couple in Soshi: TaeNy.

I found the most perfect description about how you feel when you fall in love with someone. In a fanfic. How awkwardly beautiful.

It's from a YoonYul fanfic called "The Upward Fall". Such beautiful and wonderful phrases. To those who despise and think that fanfics are just people who imagine their idols as couples, I'm sorry, that is the beauty of a fanfic.

Here's the best description ever:

"You've been in love before, right?" she asks me candidly. Of course, I tell her. "Then you know what it's like when you first meet them. You're a mess because your brain and your mouth refuse to cooperate and the person you thought you were is nothing like the person they're changing you into. No one makes you feel as weak and vulnerable as they do and you once thought it'd be the worst possible feeling in the world but instead, it turns out to be the best."

"I watch her speak and become struck with an odd feeling of jealousy. Her description is nothing like anything I have ever experienced and I find myself doubting if I truly have ever loved.

"But that's supposed to pass," she continues. "You're supposed to get over it after a while and get back to normal. I haven't though. I'm still falling for her and I don't know when I'll stop."

"Maybe you're falling upwards, then," I suggest jokingly.

"But she doesn't find it as humorous and nods her head understandingly.

"Maybe."

I just loved that whole description about falling in love with someone for the very first time.

"You're a mess because your brain and your mouth refuse to cooperate and the person you thought you were is nothing like the person they're changing you into. No one makes you feel as weak and vulnerable as they do and you once thought it'd be the worst possible feeling in the world but instead, it turns out to be the best."

How do you top that? How do you? Although I have no experience in love or anything, this is just an epic sentence. I teared up badly after reading that sentence.

THAT IS JUST. GOOD.

Alone.

Today I went out shopping. Alone.
No one was with me, which was quite awkward, since shopping is to be done with a partner or more.
But yeah, I do feel a tad bit free to roam around, get what I want, browse what I feel, eat what I crave for.

It seems usual for me to be alone.
I used to walk alone, drive alone.
Heck, I even stay alone.


I'm starting to feel like a recluse. Don't get me wrong, I like it.
I like it when I stay at home, watching my fave girls. Laughing like there's no tomorrow.
I like it when I walk alone, I feel the breeze, I take in the scenery.
I like it when I eat alone, I savour the food for good.

But,
what I really want is to be with you. I miss you with all my heart.

오랜 세월이 흘러도 영원히 너와 꿈꾸고 싶어
（Even a long time passes, I want to dream forever with you）

I'm sorry.

I don't really know how to react to these situations.
It felt so far beyond my reach, and yet I feel the pain.
I'd wanna come and hold you in my arms. And yet I know I have to let you be alone for a while.

There's nothing much I can express through my words.
All I can do is wish for you to be happy again.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to walk you through this.
I wish I was.

I'll always be here, if you ever need me.
I'll always be here.

If only you'd knew I was always here.

Jesse

Yesterday marked a really sad day for me, for the family, for all who knew Jesse.

She was a joy to our lives. She was the one who comforted me even though she couldn't understand me.

Today,

When I woke up.

There was nobody to talk to.

There was no loud bark.

There was no prancing around, trotting around.

She was gone.

She came to our house 7 years ago, still a baby.

She had a weird face, she was small.

We had tons and tons of fun with her.

One day, my brother decided to make her a character that would be humane.

She became something important in our lives.

We took thousands and thousands of photos, videos.

She was a STAR.

I couldn't bear myself to tell you what happened last night.

Maybe it was something I told her. Maybe it was me who didn't look after her.

Maybe it was really Ti Gong who really loved her, asked her to be with Ti Gong.

She was so cute when she sat down in front of the praying table, as if she was kneeling down, praying.

I miss her.

I miss her loud, high pitched, yet funny bark.

I miss her selfishness to the fact she will gobble everything up, not wanting to share food with others.

I miss her fetishes for cloth and cushion. She would sit and sleep in comfy cushions all day long.

I miss her funny, paper thin tongue. She would lick us if we had food on our fingers, she would lick our lips. Just like a cute baby.

I miss her fur. He warm fuzzy fur. Her funny mullet fur around the neck. She loved us stroking her for hours.

I miss her bendy legs. I could never teach her to give me a handshake.

I miss her big brown eyes. She would tear up anytime.

I miss her non-extensive tail. Short yet I see her wagging vigorously everytime we opened the door to give her some food.

I miss her so much, it hurts inside so badly.

I hate getting a pet because I would be so emotionally attached to them.

But now, Jesse has become so important in everyone’s lives.

Everyone loved her.

To whom has read this, please say a little prayer for her.

No matter you’re a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Taoist, a Hindu, a Sikh, a Catholic, a Christian, atheist, etc.

So a little prayer for her.

She was hurting when she left.

Make her comfortable up there. Make her happy up there.

She deserves the best.

If she was reincarnated, I wish she was a person.

I would be her best friend. I would take care of her.

R.I.P Jesse Goh.

Aged 7 dog years.

Passed away 1.30am on 22^nd February 2010.

Which one would you choose?

This?



Abit biased coz this trailer doesn't show much on LA.

Let them tell you how it is about LA.





Which one would you choose?

New Year's

Whatta year it was for me.
I was nothing in 2009.
I went from something to nothing in 2009.
Everyone I knew was moving ahead, I was stuck without any help at all.

I travelled to a place.
I did a multi-million project.
I became closer to my family.
I searched for a way to survive.
I took a year off.


Then 2010 came. I was browsing through everyone's Facebook status, and all I saw was people whom I knew that they couldn't even bother about caring for others, people who think they are content with their perfect lives, people who don't give a f*** about me. They were lamenting, cursing, worrying, groaning about the lives that they have right now.

What do they know?

I couldn't help but SMILE. I felt I was in a good position right now. I have a job offer which I'm still contemplating, an interview, a dream job coming soon. And I've grown closer to a person whom I still care deeply for.

I LAUGHED at those silly people.

Why did you think you could be happy and yet grumble about your work?
Why did you think you could buy nice things for your 'friends', just to make them stay as your friends?
Why are you complaining about a job that you have that pays well?
What kind of dreams that you have anyway?

I scoffed. I used to think I have a dream job. But unfortunately I have to let go of it. I knew I wasn't confident enough, and I don't have that talent at all. Luckily, another door opened for me. I hope I'll get it.



I know 2010 is my time. And I know I will step on those who have ridiculed, looked down on me.
Do not think that you reign over me by just having what I use to have. You may have friends whom you lavish great gifts, have nice parties, socialize like a butterfly, and yet you are always the one who I look down.

I felt really good reading those status updates. I couldn't say taking a year off was my best option, but I think it did me well.

Christmas Woes

I have to say this year is the WORST EVER Christmas I've ever had.
No celebrations. Not even a dinner. Not even a nice meal. Nothing.

Too bad the man of the hour goes to someone I'm related.
This year has been my worse year. "Nothingness" can be used to describe my year.

Have a Merry X'mas to the fortunate ones.

It feels like eternity talking to you.

To you know who I'm talking about.

This is the last thing I would ever tell you.
Even though you couldn't bring your eyes to read this.
What stems out is this racism thing that everyone has, secretly or unabashedly.
Have you thought about thinking in other people's shoes?
Have you thought about the what ifs?
Have you thought about every single word that you said is like a double-edged sword, cutting to and fro into our hearts?
Our hearts that when you first lost your way, we gave them to you?
You wouldn't feel a thing when I say this to you, don't you?

It feels like eternity talking to you.
With your ramblings and certain brain mush that I did not judge you for.
We welcomed your return. You said you would come back every year, willingly.
But it happened.
I can't help to say I'm not that racist, but it was someone who made you turn your back to us.
Someone I had never seen, someone you only knew for a year. Someone you knew you didn't have a chance, and yet you fell for the deja vu again.

Nobody could pull you up again. Nobody. But us.
We tried so hard. I, tried to talk some sense and yet listen to your stories.
But now, you have become such obsessed with anti-racism in us, that you clearly wanted to not associate yourself with us.
The impact that you would do, the great lengths that you would go for someone who would reciprocate your love. For something that you already knew.

We always welcome you back.
But this time it is your choice.
If you do something not right, you would not understand how deep this will hurt someone you clearly love since you were born.

I have already told you.
NOBODY IS PERFECT.
NOBODY DARES TO SAY THEY ARE NOT RACIST.
But for you to come out holier-than-thou, this calls for harsh actions.
I'm sorry to say but I've never been so disappointed in you IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

You, who once looked up to me.
You, who I never looked down upon for you imperfections.
You, who once said that family is the most important thing in my life.
If you dare to say you wanted nothing to do with us, please do not take care of my mother. Please don't. If you do not share her views, never mind, but do not insult her.
Please do not be someone who calls her a ***** and say I will take care of her.
Please don't.

SHE WON'T LET YOU EITHER.

I hope you are happy about what you have said and done. And for what it's worth, I hope you are satisfied with it.

I dated Summer Finn today. And got dumped.

Mindfucked.
By Summer Finn.
Yes I tell you.
I dated her for 1 and 40 mins today. And got dumped.
But I'm no Tom Hansen. I'm just someone who knows how it's like to be Tom Hansen.




THIS IS A STORY ABOUT LOVE. NOT A LOVE STORY.

I love this movie. It's so simple, and yet you get blown in the face by this blue-eyed, Katy Perry lookalike of Zooey Deschanel. She was just so easy, and yet her eyes draws you in just like that. Even the camera loves her, focusing on her eyes. Just her eyes. And she goes into a rant "I'm not looking into a relationship right now." What do you do exactly, Tom? Do you keep it casual? Hold hands in Ikea? Shower sex? Sleepovers? What does it mean?

"So what do you think...this thing we are doing now?"

It was good. So good. The continuity and plot was so simple. And yet the editing was superb, leaving you the days that he was with Summer, breaking up with her (he was dumped), all so clear, complete with colors (red or blue for good happy days, grey or black for days that he was not that OK with Summer). And some people said it was hard to understand?! WTF?! Are you all robots?!

It's always that look..you know you were the one for each other. And it all falls apart.

This chronicles the first day he met her. And it drags on...till it was times up. Till he saw something happened in front of his eyes, that he knew it was over. I could relate to it, seeing that people around me were mulling around, moping, hoping that the other person could get back with them. Tom said "I don't wanna get over her, I wanna get her back." Suit yourself, Tom.

The beautiful LA skyline. And 2 beautiful people.

The whole movie was in Los Angeles. And I didn't know they had really nice buildings there. All I thought it could be only contemporary buildings there. Oh boy, it was really nice. I hope I could see them soon.

I don't normally do reviews, but I did watch this ALONE. And when you watch movies alone, the emotion is magnified to a million times. And all I tried was not to bawl my eyes out. I left with a teary eye and a lump in my throat. LOVED IT.

500 Days of Summer. 500 days of loneliness.

Am I worth it? Are you worth it?

Sometimes people do really take you for granted. I guarantee you that.
All the good things, all the nice things, they really do think you're just a regular person trying to help you out.
Once it all dies down, once the tables turn, you know you won't get a good favor from them. You know you won't. But you still do it. You still fall headlong in to this ugly, ugly trap. You think you're worth doing this for them. You're worth something to them.

IT'S STUPID.

It's always something dark, down there, your heart.
It's always an uphill battle, trying to fight it. You know you can win. but you just don't want to.
You are that naive.

You have been warned, by people who are crystal clear on this. Level headed people.
You get stuck in the middle. You turn, nobody saves you. You tell that person, all you get is a hug, a pat. Nothing more.

In the end, it consumes you.
It eats you alive.
What is left of you? Nothing.
Not love. Nothing.

So are you still worth it?
Am I still worthy of you?

Mooncake = Reunion?

Today is a wholesome day.
It's the Mooncake Festival.
And yet, I'm not wholesome enough.
Petty issues propping up from left, right and center.
I don't meet up with people I do care, because there will be people whom I would not seem to care, chaperoning that person.

Well, anyway, I do hope time will make us, or them see things aren't that flowery in their garden, as like mine.
Happiness isn't putting up a good show-off celebration for people to see.
Happiness isn't trying to segregate a group of people.
Happiness isn't dictatorship-ing your house parking.

Happy mooncake festival everyone.

Nice to see you again

It's a weird and awkward sentence.
It's a getaway greeting.

I had that encounter just now tonight.
I would not even bother to say that to the person.
What made me say that sentence?
It would have been out of courtesy.

I might just upgraded my courtesy level today.
Woohoo.
When is my EQ upgrading?

Sometimes we fail miserably

Sometimes, we thought we had made our point.
Mostly, we made a mess out of ourselves.

Sometimes, we knew we did the right thing.
Mostly, we made the wrong choice.

Sometimes, we had the greatest confidence when we make decisions.
Mostly, it'll be ugly.

What I did was I made myself an honest person.
But I was shot down like an American plane during World War II.
Is it too late to make amends?
Should I make those amends?

Gag

I guess Rihanna really called for 'No Air' coz she was punched out by Chris Brown. Hahaha.

Depression

I have been trying to keep my composure on this matter for quite a long time.
I do have a mild depression problem.
But what others know is that I look like a total BITCH, feeling that everything is not up to my liking.
What do don't know know is I get irritated at every single thing which I cannot control, which I thought I could control at the first place.

It's okay coz I feel happy when I'm OK, but it's just small mood swings that makes me only tear up, cry. It's not I'll do violent stuff like smash things up, or sabotage people who I don't like.
It's okay coz I DON'T NEED MEDS LIKE PEOPLE WITH SEVERE DEPRESSION.

I don't like coming out and telling this. But it's already taking its toll on my mental health. And it doesn't help when I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic. I'll see tons and tons of lovey dovey stuff, coz that makes me really happy. But at the same time it makes me sad. Makes me wonder why I can't do it. Does that mean I'm gender confused? Does that mean I can't get it?

Maybe I've been hurt by people I loved and liked for all this time. People who I think I really could trust and feel happy by their kindness to me. But they really take me for granted and they thought I could be okay with changing things around without consulting me about it.
I know I can stick to my own planning, but if you move things around without letting me know, it's like ruining something I had done so long. Makes me feel incompetent. Yeah you will think "cheh this small thing also want to feel sad. Get a life lah." But how does it feel when you're the one who is getting all this flak?

I've gad a thinking of whether I should leave all this and go somewhere new? My family is really supportive of me going overseas to work. But there are people who thinks I can't leave this all behind. What am I going to do when the people like friends and acquaintances are not appreciating what I do, and only care how they live their life? People who just ask: "hey how are you? I heard you are sick? Get well. take care. goodbye"There was no REAL concern at all.

I need to work out my depression and hoep I really can do something so that I get my positive side back. I need someone who can really care for me, guy or girl. I can really say, love doesn't really borders gender right now. If I can find someone who genuinely cares about me, then I think I'm whatever I can be. Go Portia and Ellen! Go Ashton and Demi! Go Penn and Blake! Go Adam and his boyfriend!

Just so you know, I have job interviews and also I'm contemplating on doing some working holiday or work and travel in the States, which I wanted to go there since I was small. But let's keep my hopes low and not wish too much. OR ASSUME too much.

Had a small birthday which I hoped had been a bit louder and merrier. But I'm now a recluse. Go Derrin. Way to go.

Pictures

I'd like to run away.

Similar.

Simple happiness.

What makes me smile all along.

Shorts

It's been awhile since I came here.
I've been trying to pick up pieces, pieces of broken glasses.
And I've been better.

Right now, I'm facing difficulties.
Difficulties in facing my problems,
difficulties in facing my 'friends',
difficulties in facing myself.

I have two options to go on.
And yet, I am still walking around in circles.
I hate the economy,
I hate the politics,
I hate the social life,
I hate pretentious people who stalk people's updates and then gossip.
I hate gossip.
Mostly, I hate myself more.

I am going through a very rough patch now.
It feels better to write at night, where everything is still.

I don't know what to do. Yet.
To some people, they are still unfazed, oblivious about things going around them.
I hate them.

But yet, I cannot do anything about it.
I am THAT HELPLESS.

It's Over

I guess its true.
So it's over.
I had to pretend there is nothing wrong with me.
Deep down, I feel it so hard, crashing down on me.

The journey's over,
the time is up.
So long,
farewell.

25 Randomness

Actually I did one in my Facebook notes...but I do love writing random stuff, 'cause I don't think people know me enough, until they don't get what I mean, and thus become my enemy or someone they think is redundant. So here's my 2nd version of 25 Things. I won't tag anyone, but feel free to comment.

1) I do like dogs and cats, but I can't bear to scoop their poo and bathe them often.

2) Kids and babies that scream and talk a lot irritates me.

3) Come to that, I've been kicked in the shins and slapped at by kids.

4) People don't really know my taste in music, they just know I like music. Well guys, I like jazz, big band, RnB and really good guitary and piano pieces.

5) I've never been to any white-man-country (eg US or Australia).

6) A lot of people don't know I write stuff.

7) A lot of people just know that I'm quiet and resentful. Haha.

8) I feel very old 'cause I think most of the jobs that I apply to need people that are in their early 20s (not me, I'm 24).

9) I've turned down more jobs than I applied for.

10) I am more superior in sports and racing games when I play those video games.

11) I have an uncle who is the same age as my brother.

12) My dog Jesse has more nicknames than the 13 states of Malaysia.

13) I used to have too many Chinese new Year clothes until I could wear them until after 17 days of Chinese New Year.

14) I despise people who could talk bad about people, yet when people talk bad about them, they flip. (really lame bitch)

15) I love watches and I am planning to get another one after my Fossil watch.

16) I have a crush on Ethan Ruan and Zac Efron.

17) My past idols have include: Anita Mui(!!), Vivian Chow, Sammi Cheng, Gigi Leung, Vicki Zhao, Spice Girls, B*witched, Westlife, and others that I cannot remember.

18) I am coughing so badly while typing this post.

19) I wished I could celebrate my birthday with my friends from high school or whoever I can feel comfortable with. But I guess this year is bad, since I have no more friends.

20) My most liberated moment is when I was in college. I had the best 2 years in my life, regardless of tears and broken friendships.

21) The age that I waited eagerly for, and I had the best birthday ever.

22) I had won more awards in primary school than secondary school, college and university put together!

23) My fave number right now. ;)

24) I hate people who doesn't know what's going on in the world and can only manage a " I'm too busy to care about these things" sentence to me. Stuck up.

25) I would rather change my stereo system in my car, rather than adding some aerokit or spoilers.


That's all. I could write more, but 25 things is enough.
If you wanna tag yourself, go ahead, but remember to link it back to me! Thanks.

别为无谓的人流泪了

是的。
我很想突然写中文来发泄我的心情。
够了。
真的够了。

我不能再为无谓的人流泪了。
我不再觉得可惜了。
没关系，我自己来。
反正人一出世就是孤独的，
走的时候也是孤独的。

也许，
朋友多、知己多，
并不是好事。
也许有些是混水摸鱼的人。

昨晚听到一句话。
你恨的人、你讨厌的人，
其实活在这个世界上就是让你知道，憎恨和讨厌的意义。
也许会有更可恨、更讨厌的人在你未来的里程碑呢！

有时候会觉得好可惜，
可是流泪，难过并没有用。
别人只是当你是个过客。
何必荒废光阴青春？

够了。
也许是个过程，让我了解这一切。
够了。
也许大家还在做表面功夫，私底下争个你死我活呢。

至少，
我不会再为你们流泪，
我不会再为你们生气。
就算见面，
也只是个过客。

够了。